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i'm not supposed to be here

by Illingsworth

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1.
....bitch, i’m present not pressed hard-headed how i take my lessons, i guessed ....i guess i'm ready to decompose never see me losing a lead to heed weaker foes better be improving your speed to seed deeper goals credit me for moving the league to breed eager moles  can't talk about my upbringing without the tears unless i tell the lies i told over the years  niggas seen me  cry never asked why the voids that can never be filled by what the cash buy  boys that can never be killed by what the rats try  soar intelligently with skill, it's mister magpie   can your force of will not be plied by the wine and the promise of endorsement deal? whom i kiddin? of course it will  who'd you like to see die for a quarter mil separate the 5s from the snortin' bills crackheads was flipping off roofs, pre-pandemic and landing in a 3-point stance, like damn, kill heed the planned penance i'd rather self-devein man than help regain land for bland lyrics if it ain't in the cards it wasn't meant to be waking up to screams need to get old eventually the poor sentries ignored the 4 bentlys oh lord the sword-entry wound-gore was lore friendly  a hopeless gollum witta focus problem i'mma crossed word with an open column throw in the towel cuz nobody you know can stop 'em your only option is succumbing to the potent toxins i'm known locally and globally but don't nobody know me tho your homies probably hoping i get polio we all teeter between leaving the scene and believing in dreams these things are rarely as bleak as they seem
2.
brain fog 02:08
i been in the rain,dog i been tryna chainsaw through the brain fog ayo i'm Tony Jaa plus Yo Yo ma Coco-bra you a footnote on a celeb’s wiki getting paid net60 i'mma sweep the leg swiftly faith was broken had a couple cases open slave to no one rappers getting flayed n frozen say the slogan everything we make is golden the waves are molten we contaminate the oceans i hate promotion i would rather wait with bowmen take the openin' liberate the sacred totems my fate was woven across civilizations n ages n ancient potions as i orchestrate the omen say a prayer write it on a piece of paper lay it there more worth in that than thinking we gon play it fair the esoteric exothermic let's go, hermits petro, burn it check those permits where's yo thermos? well known in manifesto circuits might make a rapper vanish presto, perfect
3.
niggas never from the city they say they from playing dumb maybe they ain't playin son waiting for my day to come gimme the word and i'mma make it, cunt gimme the herb and i'mma say it blunt keep yo eyes on yo own paper bitch face the font deface a runt you a staged stunt i'm spontaneous even if i trip on the move from lack grip on my shoes i pivot n slip n a groove n get u enthused i make the best of bad hands burn up the grasslands turn up witcha man that stash grams like you dad's mom in witsec i squish insects you wish for incest i swish on chimp's set dunkin no round circular pastries just mo hounds goin round murdering bass thieves .... you was the kid eating lunch alone fast forward to adult full of holes like pumice stone now you runnin home
4.
even when the going get tough as an overdone steak i be knowing shit address me as your holiness check the net gains like a goalie gets stare into the cold abyss when it stares back you feel the loneliness feeling like a cobra bit your toe and the necrosis hits promotional posters ripped right before eyes before you die you notice it you gave up all your ownership holy shit holy shit niggas know i drink juice n think loose life in so many fragments it's harder for me to regroup i ain't got no choices but to eat soup this is tragic beginnings not a meet cute i'm stepping out the meat suit n strapping on the demon wings you gon think u seein things you forgot to call ahead and ask me what you'd need to bring head like a dingaling i sentence you to mingling small talk tv screens all us niggas wit dark scars slipping thru the cracks likeNelly witta Charge card belly laughin har har  silly til i turn sidious sith darth jar jar  meet me at the cigar bar i'll turn you in tar tar i'm perusing the armoire with nardwuar  put him in an armbar cuz i thought i heard him droppin an N bomb with hard R little illingsworth wanted to grow and be a bar czar  or travel to a distant star far far away from here this place is painful, i'd like to leave it's not a rare sighting  to find me in the lair writhing under prepared lighting or studying shared findings  you specialize in scared writings and hair binding  i've bested guys in chair fighting  my glare blinding 
5.
safety net 02:06
i'm kinda surprised you don't hate me yet how long will it take place your bets .....we living life without the safety net these types of speeds might break your neck it's your favorite space cadet i would take your head but frankly i'd hate to break a sweat the apron's wet paint a breast it's the pastry chef scrunching your face up and you ain't even taste it yet rest in peace Jim Lahey my scheme's cockamamie my team blocked the main streets what'a come is cool but yet the best may be lawnmower man got grass dat Jeff Fahey while i betrayed myself you betrayed me you wouldn't like me when i'm angry who should take the blame when life strains out strangely? ....now i gotta face me next decisions cain't be too hasty but now i'm at the club with the girls with the pasties looking at the money like the money don't change me huh? at least that's how i felt lately tryna keep the reputation clean seen stately might meditate when many things aggravate me but i be reactin it don't matter what happens the temper is short with long attention to abstractions out of body experience but it wasn't drug related i wish i could explain wit that the streets undulated dissociative states i'm crossin lines i didn't make now i gotta finish what's on my plate
6.
scramble 01:44
this kid want his wrist Rocky like the Appalachians  but still tryna learn the system and the applications the glamour glitter and the gold claim fascination over the youth, daily proof of miscalculation you got dreams, got fears you have to face em waiting is masturbation  I know, cliched but we stayed in classic training remaining well composed don't find yourself exposed if you're afraid to help your foes then your self is closed reality in unhealthy doses that shelfs your goals weeping as your wealth erodes life finds a way, even light dwells in cold we looking for the shelter that can shed our souls but life got you all scrambled got you feeling dismantled but it's nothing that you can't handle take it all in small samples don't take more than your handful
7.
i sit in the dark under the screen light unhealthy hunger for love and i'm the fiend type the wealthy suckin up blood n gotta mean bite you think you finna get left if you don't lean right you need props or your esteem drops it's the magician there's nothing up the sleeve watch whoops you see the nickel plated heat get hit witta whiff a poorly refrigerated beef since six, sent to incinerate a beat killers enter your crib and ventilate your sheets same ones publicly regarded me as great you should treat me like garbage to my face this is the history you started to erase orgy of evidence, it's hard to beat the case peer into the cauldron, it's hard to beat your fate get on a satellite, target me from space trojan goat, carted through the gate now your balloon ego has started to deflate but i'm sorry for judging i'm sufferin from own desensitized dysfunction from living in dungeon checking my own pulse lookin stoic as a vulcan the inner world is crumblin niggas be tryna to feel while rollin up dollar bills for the ills of consumption  just to feel the pumpin tryna ride out the wheels 'fore it turn into a pumpkin categories we lumped in got us givin it up before we givin it da gumption  yeah, we all fizzlin in the function drifting from intuition and distanced from deduction manipulated machines then we breed amongst them punked them til revenge is in the instructions chess-bots pushing hairlines back like Lester Holt's break a kid's arm and shock em with electric volts farms filled with brittle yields and speckled goats Elon Musk appears in the Tesla smoke
8.
nikon 01:21
shakin off a hater or 5 this is for all my peoples who be payment-deprived it's like ah ah ah ah stayin alive i gotta watch watch watch what i say to my tribe  i gotta bob gotta weave gotta take it in stride gotta job got needs i'mma make it in time  find escape in design when i'm creatin a rhyme the entertainment from the phase of transformation sublime maybe i'll take it to a stage and if i still love it then  i might just put on a album hope you give it a spin  ......y'know  maybe when you stress peakin.... when your brain wants to exit stage left even when the mess deepens depressed now you pushin back ya projects like "i'mma do it next weekend" hmm or maybe do it never tho if you don’t tell nobody then nobody will never know ....maybe take an edible instead getting swept away in stress's constant ebb n flow 
9.
all i need 01:33
i'own need all da fear talk i'own need all loss accounts all i need is the boss amounts all i need is the awesome house  you get Gz n u floss about i send thieves just to cross em out  all i see is the raw life lead i get all i need then i toss em out  all i see is the charts cigar bars n golf dem charge cards resorts n pounds all i see is the porsche's  out all i see is exhaust around all i see is my counterparts' counted parts when i swing dem swords around all i see is the thorns around if you'd seen you'd ignore the crown  i do things with the world renowned  you act mean when the girls around what you act mean when the girls around
10.
HMD 00:57
....all lucky strikes no gutterballs all it take is the right price n the love dissolves they wanna slice of life i'mma cut above em all ....anyway here's wonderwall today is gon be the day we see changes at least thas what i tell myself re-reading these pages   but the same patterns emerge we got data but haven't we learned somewhat savage i crash n i burn but no this isn't bitter demise from the wreckage i materialize so skip the goodbyes wise is what wish i waaaaas yo highs ain't my highs yo thassa different buuuuuz  a mixed bag of trauma n trash  some drama a splash of vodka nirvana n cash  they wanna know if the saga will last  ask ya mama  no comma i'd probably smash 
11.
i'm on a corner and i don't wanna be there senses screaming beware stomach screaming "all i ate was eclairs" muscles screaming due to all the deep tears head pounding due to all the screaming eyes aching due to being forced to see dudes using torture as a sport their wills forced on me they ain't what they purport to be  never had a slew of yung wolves that could report to me no monkeys on my porch with me i am not a monkey this is obviously sorcery some say blame gunplay and what it scorched in me, fool, walk to the store wit me  tools they come accordingly  and it don't matter who's recording  they snatching jewels assorted  wish i had a warp whistle so  i could play a tune loop it n boom take a shroom ignore it  dangling over the edge entire views distorted  the trajectory is plotted out your lord loaded a man-shaped bullet n shot it out  cups runneth over but we spill not a drop you can make mistakes in your house but when you on this alpaca you gotta blot it out  until i reach the top? nah i'm at the top bottom n sides too  u ain't gotta slide thru stay where you at i'm there beside you sweeping up all the crime clues  serving crucial platform pointers and design cues  check the brush strokes up close  it don't matter who clutch toast who wasn't or was a ghost  i'm crushing folks unprovoked, matter of fact unbeknownst 
12.
i stay in the crib and like 2 people know me well one of them is not me things ain't really going swell fell down so many times i been sharing broken tales (tails) bones in the closets i would never open bail out when you call it all my niggas 'posed to fail cryin til we soakin up the the dough from weighing coke on scales covet like a holy grail stamped as a hopeless male wanna see me thrown in jail or hanging like a pony tail  we gotta move an inch that's the only way to hitta mile i do everything i can just to make yall niggas smile even if i gotta overshare n put some pain on display i feel mask crack n crumble trouble flakin  away  hey but was it worth it? he should get a tat that read "relax" instead of that shoulda focused on gettin better stats on my Equifax shed tears for the harmed beers in the barn years on alarm whoops that's survival mode kinda funny it's the same reason i'm dying slow checking my watch, surprise it's always time to go ....tried to avoid the pale horse which came in the form of social norms n Salesforce flat emotions on a round earth auto-tune singing while your lifeless body crowdsurfs i'm making jokes to stay afloat you taking notes? take a dose skin a hater's blokes just to make a cloak i'm trying to get my focus back sleeping on a Yoga mat Moody Blues, rainy days brewin' he can soak in that why you think you qualified to tell me how i'm 'posed to act? connecting the wrong dots when you don't even know the facts invested in long plots but never did approach the black dispose of those prone to lack how many digits can you fit into the cock-rang? picture it, mention it, and mint it on the block chain they behind the spikes when the prices on the stock change look at the goals and the roles the boy got range i'm Jonathan Majors with the paper and personal trainers or the lawyers on retainers (that's just a regular guy)

about

no big preamble. this some raw shit from a not-so-great place that still felt good to make. raps. loops. some chops. some chords. see me in austin, tx on march 17t for sxsw.. i'mma only do like 2 of these plus some other joints yall may already know.

about the title: "i'm not supposed to be here" is a quote from Danny Brown, another rhyming Detroiter. the related story that he tells about that is pretty funny. that phrase also recently popped up on an episode of "the last of us" tv show on hbo. fun times.

other rhyme projects of mine:
illingsworks.bandcamp.com/album/old-man-raps
illingsworks.bandcamp.com/album/i-didnt-think-this-through-2017-demos
illingsworks.bandcamp.com/album/giant-slide
illingsworks.bandcamp.com/album/i-didnt-ask-for-this
illingsworks.bandcamp.com/album/only-rrrappers-will-like-this



the focal point of the cover is a photograph by a phenomenal artist named King Katz. i credit them with a lot but most importantly being my friend. i did some editing around the top and bottom of the photo with a lil bit of feedback from them.

get some stuff from Katz here: linktr.ee/kingkatz

credits

released March 13, 2023

i made beats. i made raps. King Katz took the pic of me walking through the door in the summer of 2021. I added some stuff to the top and bottom border and adjusted it with their feedback.

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about

Illingsworth Detroit

EMCEE + PRODUCER

stuff i make = music with @rufiojones @seanuppercut, beats, raps, videos.
born & bred resident of Detroit.
smooth due to alopecia.

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